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Post by keith on Jun 27, 2011 21:47:30 GMT -5
On her way out of the 11 am Mass, a lady said to her priest. "Father, I am having a problem with my two parrots." The priest replied, "What seems to be the problem?" "They say, rather candidly, Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun."
"That's blasphemous!" exclaimed Father. "Something must to be done!" "You know, I have two parrots; Luke & John, they spend most of their days looking a pictorial Bible and saying prayers. Surely, if we got them together, your parrots would learn more appropriate Christian phrases."
"An excellent idea," the lady said, "I'll bring them to your home in the morning."
The next morning, she and her parrots were at the front door. As the priest ushered her into the family room, she noticed the parrots were saying the prescribed prayers to their respective rosaries. Impressed, she hurriedly placed her parrots in the cage with the two parrots.
After a few minutes of exchanged glances among the four parrots, the females proudly announced, "Hi, we're hookers." "Do you want to have some fun?"
There was an extensive stunned silence!
Finally, Luke squawked, "Put down the beads, John, our prayers have been answered!"
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Post by keith on Jun 27, 2011 21:49:40 GMT -5
Here is a more complete quote from John Wesley:
“Sour godliness is the devil’s religion. It does not owe its inception to truly spiritual people. I suspect that sour godliness originated among unhappy, semi-religious people who had just enough religion to make them miserable, but not enough to do them any good.”
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Post by Dave on Jun 27, 2011 22:39:03 GMT -5
Hahaha! Great stuff!
As a writer, one of my favorite quotes from Wesley is, "“Once in seven years I burn all my sermons; for it is a shame if I cannot write better sermons now than I did seven years ago.”
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Post by keith on Jun 28, 2011 9:57:53 GMT -5
A Rabbi and a Lutheran Pastor invited a Baptist Minister to go fishing. They rowed to the middle of a large cove. After some good bantering and hard fishing, nature called. The Rabbi stood up, stepped over the gunwale and walked across the water and disappeared into the trees, returning in a few minutes and resumed fishing. Later the Lutheran did the same, returning and resuming fishing. The Baptist Pastor was dumbfounded by what he had seen. Soon the Baptist pastor had a strong need. He thought to himself if they can walk on water I can to. It just takes a little faith he thought. Without hesitation he stepped over the gunwale and promptly sank and surfaced spluttering. The Rabbi looked over at the Lutheran and said, "I guess we ought to tell him where the stumps are."
Beware you are not a fiery, persecuting enthusiast. Do not imagine that God has called you (just contrary to the spirit of Him you style your Master) to destroy men's lives, and not to save them. Never dream of forcing men into the ways of God. Think yourself, and let think. Use no constraint in matters of religion. Even those who are farthest out of the way, never compel to come in by any other means than reason, truth, and love.
John Wesley - "The Nature of Enthusiasm" Sermons on Several Occasions (1771)
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Post by Dave on Jun 28, 2011 16:59:18 GMT -5
Hahaha! Someone ought tell all of us where the stumps are!  |
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Post by keith on Jun 29, 2011 8:28:52 GMT -5
Jesus came in from the desert after 40 days and his mother told him he looked rough and needed a new toga. So he went down to Ahab the toga maker and bought one. His apostles loved Jesus' new duds and they went to Ahab and ordered theirs--more and more disciples and friends did the same.
So Ahab looks Jesus up and says, "Jesus, you're a good salesman. I make good togas. Let's go into business. I can just see the sign now--Ahab and Jesus--Togas.
Jesus said," Good idea but I was thinking the sign should say Jesus and Ahab- Togas.
Ahab says, "Let's go to a mediator": they did and that was the beginning of a leading department store that still exists today--Lord and Taylor.
I can't think that when God sent us into the world He had irreversibly decreed that we should be perpetually miserable in it.
John Wesley
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Post by Dave on Jun 29, 2011 12:15:23 GMT -5
Togas? Hahahaha!
“Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge”
John Wesley.
One of Jesse's favorite Wesley quotes is, "But the best of it is, God is with us."
Although I'm not a Bible expert, I have noticed Wesley stole stuff from Paul, and in fact about one of the quotes he does attribute it to Augustine.
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Post by keith on Jun 29, 2011 12:46:35 GMT -5
I guess he wasn't swallowed up in books.
I have noticed that writers from the 18th & 19th centuries tended to make biblical references without attribution. I've felt that they assumed readers were familiar with the references. Most literate people of the day read the Bible.
Today I think making a reference to Zarubbabel in casual conversation might draw quizzical looks.
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Post by Dave on Jun 29, 2011 15:29:09 GMT -5
Oh, you mean the Zarubbabel who was a governor of the Persian Province of Judah (Haggai 1:1) and the grandson of Jehoiachin, penultimate king of Judah? The same Zerubbabel who led the first group of Jews, numbering 42,360, who returned from the Babylonian Captivity in the first year of Cyrus, King of Persia? You mean THAT Zerubbabel? No, of course I didn't look it up on Wiki! |
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Post by keith on Jun 29, 2011 17:13:10 GMT -5
That's the one. I'd forgotten about the 42,360. That would make for a rather large take-out order at the drive through. I do recall that Cyrus sent a bit of pocket change with them to cover freeway tolls & such.
I also recall that it took a rather stern warning from Darius before Zarubbabel & friends were actually allowed to erect the building. Things haven't changed much in the Middle East, always trouble over settlements in East Jerusalem.
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Post by keith on Jun 30, 2011 8:27:46 GMT -5
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.
And the NUMBER ONE reason...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
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Post by Dave on Jun 30, 2011 22:06:41 GMT -5
I'll bet God just wanted a chance to build a cutie! |
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Post by keith on Jul 1, 2011 10:02:36 GMT -5
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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Post by Dave on Jul 1, 2011 10:26:55 GMT -5
And He probably skipped faculty teas. |
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Post by keith on Jul 2, 2011 14:18:34 GMT -5
A man crawled up onto his roof during a flood. A second man floated by in a raft. "Need a lift?" he asked. "No, the Lord's gonna save me" the man said.
A third man drove by in a boat and said, "Need a lift?" The man said, "No, the Lord's gonna save me."
Then a helicopter flew overhead. "Need a lift?" the pilot asked. "No sir, the Lord's gonna save me" the man said.
The man eventually drowned. When he got to heaven, asked the Lord,"why didn't you save me?" The Lord said, "Look, I sent a raft, a boat, a helicopter - what more did you want??"
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